Destiny

I think about destiny a lot, and how I do not feel as though I am living up to my destiny. I feel as though I was born into the wrong time. I pick up a sword and it feels right. I have ridden a horse once in my adult life, and once at age 6, and it felt natural. The girl I was riding with couldn't believe that I had never ridden a horse before really. I was able to guide the horse naturally. The same feels right when I pick up a sword. I feel as though I have been born into a time where I cannot fit into my destiny right.

Plus there is the fact that I just can't help but get in my own way. Either some cosmic event comes in and I can't handle it, ie my father dying or my store burning down, or I just make the wrong choice. I knew before I took my job at Games Workshop that it was a game changer. I knew that I would not come back from the 3 months the same, and I sensed it was a bad thing. I just didn't listen to myself. Not being with my children every day is something I wish I could change. Even though I know that the situation I was in was not the best. I hated my life and could not enjoy my time with my children.

They say that hindsight is 20/20. I made a poor choice but staying staying in that relationship would have been worse. I made a choice that was best for me, and I hope that it was the right choice for the boys. I did not like the person I was when we lived in Moscow. I think that things could have ended worse, even though I didn't handle it the best.

So to wrap this up, I still feel lost. I always have. It has taken me 10 years to finish a 2 year degree and stick to computers as a career. It doesn't feel right, but it is a way to make money. I want to be a part of something bigger, but I have not found this yet. One day it will show up or it will not. Hitting the milestone of 30 probably doesn't mean jack all to destiny. I will get there when I can, maybe I should stop looking for it and just enjoy my days.